My problem isn’t always feeling like I have to help others anymore because now I’m afraid of contaminating others and it started in the summer. It started when I decided to clean my cat’s litter box for the first time and idiotically didn’t wear gloves and accidentally got some of the cat shit on my hands. I felt like I couldn’t possibly wash my hands enough and I kept sniffing them over and over to make sure they smelled good enough. I told my aunt how much I washed my hands at that moment, and she told me that’s the bare minimum. She said everyone should be washing their hands that heavily, and that most people are dirty. Suddenly I started second guessing everything because she made it sound like I had been walking around contaminating everything and everyone my whole life. I’ve started washing my hands twice as long as I did that night when I simply go to the bathroom.
I had even demonstrated to her how I normally washed my hands after using the bathroom and she said that it wasn’t good enough and my hands were still dirty. Now I can’t sleep at night and I am actually having a hard time sleeping right now. I cleaned the litterbox again with gloves on but I swear my hands still smell I know that they do. I’ve used so much hand soap and I’ve washed several times but they are still dirty and I’m overheating and getting sweaty from the stress. I’m scared because I accidentally touched the blanket just a little bit and I feel like it might get my whole bed dirty because my aunt said that germs crawl. My cat jumps into my bed and shoves her face into my hand and now I’m scared that I just contaminated her.
I get up and wash my hands once again, and realize there is barely any handsoap left and then my mom comes in.
“Sugar, we just got new soap two days ago, how is it already empty?”
“I uhm, I don’t know…” I respond, too embarrassed to admit the truth
The thing is, I know what I’m doing is stupid and it doesn’t totally make sense, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like my thoughts are true and like I have to act on the thoughts.
At lunch time in school, right as I’m walking outside, I feel something drop on my hand and I look at it and it’s white and I stare at it in horror as I realize that it is bird poop. I immediately run to the bathroom and start washing my hands and after washing and drying them once I sniff and my hand still smells bad so I wash again and then again. Another student walks in and uses the bathroom during my third time washing my hands.
“How long have you been washing your hands??? They’re wrinkly” the other student says as they start washing their hands, and I am reaching for the hand soap for the fourth time. I can’t tell if they’re judging me or worried for me.
I don’t respond because I don’t know what to say, and I just quickly rinse the hand soap off and dry my hands and then leave the bathroom but then realize that I actually still think my hand is dirty I just stopped washing because I was embarrassed.
“There you are!” Skyler says as they run up to me in the hallway, and they lift me up and I instinctively wrap my arms around them. “See, I told you I can lift you up!” They say. Me and them bickered a few days ago about if they could lift me up or not.
I instantly regret having touched them, because I still think my hand is not clean. I overthink about the fact that I put my hand on their back as they lifted me up and that they’re wearing their favorite sweatshirt today and I contaminated it. I can’t talk to them about it because logically I know that my hand must be clean because I technically washed my hands four times, but I still can’t ignore the thought and the obsession that maybe my hand isn’t clean enough. I hide my feelings well while I’m eating with my friends, because this is something I don’t wanna get into.
At the end of the school day Skyler and I are the only people to not be picked up and I’m sitting on the bench alone with them, and I finally can’t keep myself from not mentioning the thing that’s been stressing me out.
“Uhh, Sky, there’s something I’m worried about and it’s gonna sound kind of stupid but I really need you to not laugh, ok?” I say
“Ok, what is it?” They respond
“So earlier a bird shat on my hand,” I can tell they’re trying not to laugh, “A-and, I’ve been having this thing lately where I’m just so obsessive about getting my hands clean enough, and I swear the smell was still on my hand no matter how much I washed them. I had to stop because a girl walked in and she seemed to sort of judge me, so I had to stop. And then, when you lifted me up, I instinctively touched your back, I’m so sorry I feel like I contaminated you I know it sounds stupid but-”
“Sugar, you’re talking to the person who’s always afraid of silent judgement even when there isn’t any,” They say, “I’m not judging you for being a little anxious even if it’s irrational. Also, have you washed your hands since then?”
“No, I’ve just tried to avoid touching anything”
“Do you mind if I sniff your hand?”
This would seem like a weird question to most, but since Skyler and I almost died together once and I just confided in them about something I would have a hard time confiding in anyone else about, I guess our boundaries just aren’t the same as most friendships. I let them sniff my hand.
“You are perfectly fine, Sugar. I just smell handsoap”
“Yeah, I guess my hand might’ve been fine after the first time I washed, but I was just still convinced there was a smell there, almost like a delusion”
“Anxiety can do that. I’m convinced people judge me when they really don’t. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you”
At night, I’m washing my hands while talking to my friends, I unmuted using my elbow between using the bathroom and washing my hands because it helps me be less stressed.
“Sugar, I am sure you have washed your hands long enough” Skyler says reassuringly
With a small laugh I stop washing, “yeah, sorry, guys I have this problem I talked about earlier with Skyler,” I start to say, “In the summer I cleaned my cat’s litter box for the first time, and I got some cat shit on my hand, and I just still felt like it was invisibly there no matter how much hand soap I used and how long I washed. My aunt told me people are always supposed to wash for that long and most people are dirty. It scared me so much I’ve been obsessively washing my hands since”
“Sugar, you really don’t have to always wash your hands for that long” Kat says
“I know it isn’t logical and maybe my aunt has some problem she projected onto me, but it just made me start questioning everything. I’m just so scared of continuing to be dirty like I’ve apparently been my whole life, and that fear makes me spiral. It’s like logic doesn’t matter in those moments”
“We all have moments where logic doesn’t matter. We have mental health issues, that is literally why we call ourselves Broken Minds,” Dante says, “I’ve been feeling like the world is gonna end, and no matter how much people tell me it’s illogical it will never stop feeling so real”
“I’m scared that you guys might stop loving me and leave me, even though you’ve never shown evidence of it” Celeste chimes in
“I’m afraid of something happening to one of you like what happened to my sister, even though I know we’re in a much safer place than her and I were in” Kat says
“And as you guys obviously know, I think I’m always being judged” Skyler says
“So none of us are totally rational, it’s ok.” Dante says
“Yeah, and my biggest fear is hurting other people, and my obsession does not hurt other people, only me.”
“But we care about you, we don’t want you to continue having a thought pattern that hurts you” Kat says, “I know you can’t just stop it, it isn’t that simple. I guess just try to think of what we would tell you when you start having one of your spirals”
“Thank you for always being here for me guys,” I say
Everything is easier when I have people who understand me and have problems too, even if they’re not the exact same problems.
Broken Minds 