Broken Minds

“DOLPHINS FLOATING IN THE SKY”

I shout as I swing the door open and enter the room. Everyone laughs. I love being able to make everyone feel happier than I am. I sit next to Celeste and the teacher tells all of us that we will be sharing our work today. Rue, the girl in the class who doesn’t talk to anybody and usually would never share, decides to share today. The short story is called, “the girl who can help everyone except herself”. She begins reading it.

“The girl who can help everyone except herself”

There’s a girl who always gets joy from making other people laugh. People never question that maybe she isn’t as joyful as she seems. People think she’s just the class clown and there’s nothing deep about it. They obviously don’t see it when she sobs behind closed doors. She helps everyone except herself. I think she wants everyone else to laugh so that she can feel slightly better. But who’ll be there to make her laugh? She doesn’t need anyone to make her laugh, she’s strong. She’ll keep dealing with the pain by herself while making sure others don’t feel the same pain. She says not to worry about her, but I will continue to.”

This story reminds me a lot of myself. The teacher compliments the short story and then asks the class if they have anything to say about it. I raise my hand and get called on.

“Were you thinking of anyone when you wrote this?” I know she couldn’t have been thinking of me, because she doesn’t know me. But it sounds so much like it’s about me, it’s uncanny.

“I was thinking of my old friend in middle school” She responds

“Oh ok, cool”

At the end of class as we’re all leaving, I go to the door of Celeste’s homeroom which is right across from my homeroom. I overhear the teacher talking to her about something. Her class also writes poems and stories and shares them. I hear the teacher ask her about the poem she wrote, sounding concerned.

“Are you sure this is made up? It sounds oddly specific. Should I have a conversation with your parents? Is everything ok at home?”

“Yes! Everything is perfectly fine. It’s just from the perspective of a character in a story I’m writing. I’m sorry I should have prefaced that on the top of the page” Celeste is trying not to sound panicked, but I know her well enough to know she is definitely panicking in her head.

The teacher lets her go, and she leaves the classroom and meets me and we walk to nutrition together.

Later at PE, while we’re playing baseball, someone throws the ball so far it goes WAY farther than it’s supposed to. I go to get it, but I don’t know exactly where it is. As I’m looking for it I look up at a bird in the sky while still walking, and then I trip on the ball and fall down. I’m wearing shorts so my bare knee directly hits the concrete. I’m bleeding. I come back with the ball, and Rue also just so happened to fall, but she fell on the grass. Coach Laura points out that my knee is bleeding with a concerned voice, but I ignore it and help Rue up, despite her not being as hurt as me.

Later at lunch, we notice that Celeste isn’t here. We’re all worried. Eventually Sugar and I decide to go look for her. We go to the girls’ bathroom because we have a feeling that’s where she is, and we’re correct. 

“What’s going on, Celeste? Does it have to do with the conversation you had with the teacher? If so, I don’t think they are gonna talk to your dad” I say

“No it isn’t really about that. I’m just upset that Dad is so oblivious to how Maggie treats me. That’s what the poem’s about too. I’ve been dwelling on it a lot these past few days. A part of me feels like, he must not love me if he’d not notice I’m upset every night and sometimes even have obvious scars, and if he doesn’t love me I should just learn to not care. But I also can’t not care, I need him to notice that something is wrong. I hate him so much for being such an idiot. But I also need him to stop being an idiot and show that he cares about me. I also wish my mom was here. She would probably care. She would probably notice. It’s weird missing someone I’ve never met, and who may never be here. I convince myself that she would care, but I don’t really know if she would.”

“Well, we care. We will never stop being here for you, ok?”

Sugar and I hug Celeste. We stay here comforting her while she cries for a few minutes. I try not to also cry. I know things will get better. We just have to keep powering through. Things get better. They always, always do. I know I went from being in one abusive family to another, but this is the last time I will be in a broken family. Once Celeste and I are out of this one, the horrors will be over. But I don’t know how much longer it will take. I don’t want to keep waiting. I just don’t know what we can do to speed up the process. And I agree with Celeste, I don’t know why her dad is so oblivious. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t love her.

“Do you want me to just tell him?” I ask her

“No, Kat. I’ve told you many times, he won’t believe it if it’s just said to him in words. He needs to eventually notice it. But I don’t know when or if that will happen”

Later, when we get home, immediately Maggie starts yelling at Celeste again.

“Clean your room now, Celeste.” She says this as if she has already told Celeste to do it five times, but Celeste just got home. “It’s disgusting, I don’t know how you live like that, you’re gross.”

“Alright, I’m just gonna take a shower first because I’m sweaty”

“No, you will clean your room now, fucking pig” She hits Celeste in the same spot on her arm that’s already bruised.

Celeste weeps as we both clean our room together. I’ve told Maggie more than once that more than half the mess in here is from me, but she’ll always scapegoat Celeste anyways. Soon enough, Celeste’s dad comes in. I overhear him talking a little with Maggie, but I don’t know exactly what they’re talking about. Then he comes into our room. I hope for Celeste that he will ask if she’s ok. She has the same frown as always. Her eyes are red because she was just crying. Any smart person would see that something is wrong.

“Hey Celeste, I’m gonna make dinner soon, ok?”

“Ok”

Then he leaves. Without asking any questions at all. I can see the pain in Celeste’s eyes somehow increase even more. I try to tell her it’ll be ok. 

I don’t wanna cry when she’s already not doing well, so I manage to hold myself up and keep telling her how it’ll be ok until she goes to bed. I am genuinely optimistic like I tell people I am, I truly believe it when I say it will be ok. But what I don’t talk about as much is how, even though it’ll be ok, we do still have to deal with the pain until then. Sometimes the fact that it’ll get better keeps me going, but sometimes I can’t handle knowing how much longer we might have to wait. 

I eventually go to sleep myself after sobbing for a few minutes. I find myself having another lucid dream.

This time it’s better than the first time I had a lucid dream. I see uncle Jason’s grocery list on the table in the living room, and a pencil. I know exactly what to do. Celeste doesn’t want me telling him about how Maggie really is. But I’m in a dream, so what’s the harm? I write,

“Dear Jason,

I don’t love your daughter. I never did. I have always treated her in a way I shouldn’t have. I’m ashamed to admit it. I’ve hit her and yelled at her several times. I never wanted you to know because I didn’t want to lose you but now I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t deserve you. I shouldn’t have dated you when I don’t like kids. I’m leaving you now it up to you if you want to leave me or not. I’m sorry.

-Maggie”

I try my best to replicate her handwriting. I changed it to “I’ll leave it up to you if you want to leave me” because he would read it and clearly notice that she hasn’t left him, so it wouldn’t work. Now I just have to wait for him to find it.

“Alright honey, I’m gonna go get groceries now. I think I left the list on the table”

I hide and watch as he looks at it. He has a look of disgust.

“Maggie, is this true?”

Maggie comes and looks, seems angry.

“Celeste you little bitch! Did you do this?”

“Actually, I did it! But the fact that you reacted that way shows it’s true” I say, emerging from my hiding spot

Celeste walks in.

“Celeste, I’m so sorry I never noticed anything was wrong. I feel so stupid. I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you again” He says as he embraces her. I know this is only a dream, but it’s nice to at least see what it would be like.