Broken Minds

Skyler’s POV

My second year of high school is off to a good start. I got drama as my elective, which I am really happy about. I already know I’m a good singer, and I want to try acting too. Only problem is, my social anxiety gets in the way a little bit. We’re reading the script for Highschool Musical currently. The class takes turns reading different characters. I can’t bring myself to read for any of the characters. I really wanna read for Ms. Darbus. I’m just so scared of getting made fun of. Especially because she’s a really dramatic and expressive character. 

I get to school and start talking with my friends.

“Hey, Sugar and Celeste! How are you guys?” I say

“We’re good” Sugar responds with a smile

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Sugar wants to learn how to animate, and she just asked me to teach her” Celeste responds

“Oh, cool! What made you wanna learn how to animate, Sugar?”

“It’s a surprise” She says, “anyway, Skyler, how’s drama class going?”

I wonder why she changed the subject so quick, but I don’t question it. “I really wanna read for Ms. Darbus, the drama teacher in the story. She seems like such a fun character to play, but I’m scared to read for her. I’m worried about being judged, because she’s such an expressive and dramatic character”

“If other people don’t look stupid reading for her, then why would you?” Kat says, joining us out of nowhere

“I don’t know, there’s no logic to it I guess” I respond

“I know it’s easier said than done because of your anxiety, but try to be in reality, not your spiraling thoughts. If nobody else sounds stupid reading the dramatic character, then you won’t either. It doesn’t make sense to have a bias against yourself, and you’re the only one who does, nobody else has a bias against you” Kat says

“Thank you Kat, that means a lot” I respond

“And also, you’re a great artist. You’ve already performed in front of people at the music talent show. I know singing isn’t the same as acting, but they’re a little similar, and I can see you being good at acting too. You’re very talented Sky” Sugar says

“Thank you” I say as I almost just hug Sugar, but quickly turn it into a group hug with her and Kat and Celeste as well, just to not get too vulnerable

Their encouragement makes me feel special, especially Sugar’s. I start thinking about my future as an artist again, and when we’ll be a band. That’s one of my favorite things to think about. I’ve actually been posting my songs on YouTube recently. I’ve gotten a few subscribers and positive comments.

In ELA, Ms. Clara tells all of us that we can put the written works we’re most proud of on the wall in the hallway. She says that it applies for all kinds of writing, including song writing. I feel really excited and I stop paying attention in class, looking through my folder for about five minutes looking for the best song to put up there. I choose a song that is secretly a love song about Sugar, but it isn’t too obvious. After class I happily put it up on the wall, along with a few classmates who are also passionate about writing.

Through my next two classes, I continue feeling artist euphoria. It doesn’t even matter that we’re doing stuff I hate, especially in PE. I’m just in my head about my art and my aspirations. For once I’m in my head in a good way. In biology I even start to fall asleep, and I dream of being on a stage singing a cover of “Second hand embarrassment” by underscores. Celeste whispers to me to wake up.

Right before lunch, while I’m still feeling very happy, I overhear a conversation between two people in the hallway, around the area where our written works are put up.

“Oh yeah, this is a song by that kid Skyler”

“Oh, the one who was the lead singer of that band that performed at the end of last school year?”

“Yeah”

“They’re really cool!”

I smile. Then the conversation continues

“I thought they were really talented, but then I looked at their YouTube channel. All their songs sound the same. And the lyrics aren’t really anything special, the song they performed at the talent show was the only one with good lyrics”

My heart sinks. I don’t wanna start crying. I’m within earshot of them and I absolutely hate being heard when I cry. I have a cruel realization. Even though Jake isn’t outwardly mean to me and Celeste anymore, there are still people who will say things behind my back. Of course. How could I not realize that as someone with social anxiety? I guess I just assumed the best after we performed in front of everyone and they were impressed. I could tell myself it doesn’t matter because that person who said that doesn’t personally matter to us. But the thing is, I was already insecure about what they’re talking about. I knew my songs might all sound the same. And I knew my lyrics might not be the best. I think I’m gonna delete my channel. I don’t want to deal with more people telling me my insecurities are true. Especially people at my school.

I wait for those people to leave, and then I take my paper off the wall.

At study hall, I text my friends and ask them to skip with me. When they meet me in the hallway I start talking to them about what happened.

“But Skyler, that’s the only negative thing you have ever heard someone say about your songs, right? You’ve gotten so much support from us and even random people on your Youtube channel” Kat says

“Well, yeah”

“Why is it that the one negative comment means a billion times more than the multiple positive comments?” Kat asks

“Well, I don’t know. I guess because what they said was already something I’m insecure about”

“If it makes you feel better, I have never noticed your songs sounding the same, Sky” Sugar says

Everyone else agrees.

“Do you guys think I should still read for the role of Ms. Darbus?”

“Yes. Absolutely” Kat says

After study hall is over, I head to drama class. I sit in my usual desk. My heart is beating fast. I feel sick in my stomach. I’m trying to prepare myself to raise my hand and ask if I can read for the role of Ms. Darbus when I get the chance.

People start reading the script. We haven’t gotten to the Ms. Darbus part yet. I turn the pages and read ahead so I can see when her part is. I get more nervous as everyone catches up to the page I’m on.

“Ok, who wasn’t to read for Ms. Darbus?” Ms. Cherry says. I raise my hand as quickly as I can. “Ok, Skyler!”

I read in a shaky voice, not expressing much emotion. Nobody is judging me. I am hyperaware that everyone is listening to me, but somehow I don’t necessarily feel judgment. Eventually the energy of the people I’m reading dialogue with starts to rub off on me. Suddenly I am able to be really expressive. The lines flow out almost like I am singing, except I’m just speaking in a very dramatic way. Some people even laugh when I deliver some lines. But the good kind of laughing, like I delivered a funny line in the right way.

After drama class is over, Ms. Cherry talks to me.

“That was really good Skyler, I wasn’t expecting that out of you. I could tell you were really nervous at first but you did a great job”

“Thank you so much” I respond with a smile

I’m back to feeling the joy of being excited about my art. And now I know that I can also act. I already have a feeling that when we do auditions, I’m gonna get the role of Ms. Darbus.