Broken Minds

Celeste’s POV

We’re getting closer to the end of the school year. Even though most people prefer being at home to being at school, I feel safer at school than at home. I don’t want to be at home. Maybe in some ways school wasn’t easy for me either since Jake had some power over me, being able to get to me and make me feel worse about myself. But I ended up standing up for myself against him, and he never bothered me again since then. We also have plans to perform in the school’s music talent show, which is a new thing they’re doing for the first time this school year. Skyler’s been working on a song for us to perform, but hasn’t really gotten anywhere in the writing process yet. I was thinking maybe they could write about how far we’ve gotten, how much we’ve grown. I think I have become a stronger person thanks to Kat. I was able to stand up for myself to Jake. But things really haven’t changed much with Maggie. She still makes me weak. She’ll always be the one thing that makes me weak no matter how strong I get.

ELA just ended, so it’s time for nutrition now. Everyone is talking about the music talent show and their ideas for it. Most people are performing solo. We’re one of the only bands. I’m glad that we’re a band so none of us have to be alone, I wouldn’t like that. Skyler definitely wouldn’t either, they’re barely accepting that they have to be the lead singer so the attention will be on them the most. We’re all gonna meet at Sugar’s house tonight to work on song lyrics, and I am heavily considering staying there for the night. I don’t want to go back home to Maggie tonight. I can’t decide whether to tell her today that I wanna spend the night with Sugar, or if I should just do it without telling her. She acts offended about me not wanting to be around her for some reason, despite the fact that she clearly hates me and treats me like shit whenever I am around her anyway, so I really don’t know why she cares. I know it will probably cause an even bigger problem for me in the long term when she finds out that I spent the night somewhere else without asking her, but honestly I just don’t want to deal with it today. I have until the end of the school day to decide how I wanna handle it.

“Anyway, does anyone have any song ideas? I’m thinking maybe something that’s kind of personal, but not too personal to the point where we’re uncomfortable singing it in front of everyone” Kat says

“What if it’s a song about our dreams? We all have crazy dreams” I respond

“Oh yeah, and not all of our dreams are too personal” Kat agrees

“Maybe, just not any dreams that have deep meanings or anything” Dante says

“Deep meanings like what?” Skyer says, “I’ve never noticed meaning in my dreams

“Ms. Audrey and I have been unpacking some things about my dreams together. Anyway, I don’t think that’s a bad idea Celeste” Dante responds

The next thing we know it’s time for PE. While we’re doing the stretches I reflect on how hard PE was for me the first day of school. We were playing volleyball, and Amanda called my name and threw the ball. I was so shocked and caught off guard because I didn’t even know she knew my name. I froze up and the ball flew past me.Then Skyler tried to have a conversation with me, but someone called their name before they could prepare themself and they got hit in the head with the ball. I think we may or may not have been made fun of by Jake after that, but I don’t even remember. It’s interesting about how it meant so much at the time to be made fun of by him, but now I don’t even remember all the times it happened.

After doing all the stretches we start doing track and field. There are cones arranged in two big circles which form two tracks, and we each have to race someone on them. Everyone will be watching. It’s really embarrassing, but I don’t think I’m as embarrassed as I would’ve been at the start of the school year. I’m partnered with Jake, of course, because I just had to be paired with the person who was most likely to beat me. At least he can’t make fun of me for it anymore because me and Sugar both have scared him off. I overhear Mason laughing with Jake about how embarrassing it is that he has to race me of all people. It makes me immediately feel like shit and just wanna race even less than I did before.

We watch everyone else race until it is our turn. When it’s our turn, there’s more people cheering him on than people cheering me on. But the next thing I know, I’m at the finish line and Jake is way behind. He looks embarrassed. I can barely suppress a small smile.

After PE when we get to lunch, I ask Sugar about staying at her house for the night.

“Oh yeah, sure! My parents won’t mind!” She responds

“Thank you. The only problem is, I don’t know what to do about Maggie. She’ll get mad about me spending the night somewhere else, and I don’t wanna deal with it today. But I also know that if I just do it without asking she’ll get even more mad when I’m back” I explain

“Celeste, you don’t have to worry about that. I overheard her telling Uncle Jason that she’s actually spending the night at a friend’s house too. We can stay at Sugar’s without her even knowing and be back home tomorrow. Oh, uh, I said we. I’m sorry, can I come too?” Kat says

“Yeah of course!” Sugar responds

“Thank you”

I’m relieved that I can actually completely hide this from Maggie. I’ll be safe. I don’t have to go back to Maggie today.

Later when we get to Sugar’s house

“I just realized, one thing we never discussed was the band name,” Skyler says

“Well, there’s one I’ve been thinking of, but I don’t know if it’s any good” Dante responds

“What is it?” Kat asks

“Uhm, Broken Minds?”

“Oh my God, that’s the perfect name!” Sugar exclaims

Everyone responds enthusiastically.

“The meaning is that our minds are broken, but we ourselves aren’t broken, right?” Kat says

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” Dante responds

So we settle on that being our bandname, and then we start talking about what we are and aren’t ok with sharing about ourselves in the song.

“We should each have a segment that’s about ourselves,” Sugar suggests

“Yeah, and I think mine and Celeste’s segment could be fused together since our trauma is directly related. I think we could vaguely sing about abuse and its effects, but keep it vague and not mention how Celeste and I have experience with it.” Kat says

“Actually yeah, come to think of it, they should probably all be vague,” Skyler agrees, “people can just think we’re talking about mental health but they don’t have to know it’s about ourselves”

“I think mine will be about how individuals shouldn’t have to be responsible for other people’s happiness, and you should have room to take care of yourself” Sugar says

“Would that be a bit risky because of Jake being there and hearing it? It might be clear to him that that’s referring to what he did to you” Skyler says

“I’ve already overheard him talking to Mason about how he won’t go to school that day because of how stupid he thinks the talent show will be,” Sugar responds rolling her eyes, “and none of the students other than us and Naomi know about how Jake treated me so nobody will think much of it”

“My part will be about how even though other people are suffering, you can only control your own life and you’re allowed to be happy still. And that kind of ties into your theme, Sugar, so they can be in the same verse” Dante says

“Yeah, I think the first verse could be my part and Celeste and Kat’s part, and the second verse can be Sugar and Dante’s part” Skyler responds

“Will we all be singing our parts?” I ask

“I hope not, I’m a bad singer” Kat says

“I’m not that good either” Dante says

“And it will be hard for me to sing and play guitar at the same time” I say

“Yeah, I can just sing the first verse and Sugar will sing the second verse. If that’s ok with you, Sugar” Skyler responds

“Yeah, that’s ok”

“What will your part be about?” Kat asks

“It’ll be about trying to ignore the imaginary audience in your head, trying to know everyone’s not always judging you and might not think as negatively of you as you think of yourself. And also that maybe sometimes you can find someone who isn’t judgmental, and helps you realize what some people really think of you, and how they help you feel less bad about yourself” Skyler subtly glances at Sugar as they say that, but she doesn’t notice because she’s looking at her computer screen and taking notes.

Soon everyone except me and Kat leaves Sugar’s house, and the three of us go to bed. I realize I forgot my melatonins, so I can’t overdose on them tonight. But I’m somewhere safe, I’m somewhere that isn’t my home. So I think I can do without the melatonins tonight.