I wake up in class, and immediately feel mad at myself for falling asleep since it sounds like the teacher was talking about something important. I raise my hand and ask what it is, and she says that Celeste is deathly ill. I start panicking. I don’t stay in class any longer. I text Angie and ask her to pick me up and take me to the hospital. But on the way, I see Celeste standing on the side of the road. I get out of the car and run up to her.
“Celeste, why aren’t you at the hospital? Aren’t you ill?” I say with concern
“He did this to me.”
“Who did?”
She points to a monster, the monster that Skyler and Sugar encountered at the forest a while ago. I randomly find a knife on the ground. I pick it up, planning to stab the monster.
“Dante, what are you doing?!” I hear Angie shout
I wake up, realize it was all a dream, and that I sleep walked again. The scariest part is that I actually have a knife in my hand. I must’ve picked it up when I picked up the knife in my dream. I feel very discombobulated, almost sick. I put the knife down.
“I sleep walked again and I was having a nightmare, I’m sorry” I say
“What was the nightmare this time?”
“I can’t explain it right now, I’m sorry” I say, rubbing my eyes before I get the cereal box off the top of the fridge, “What time is it, anyway?”
“It’s around the time you would normally get up”
I make my cereal but accidentally spill the milk, still discombobulated. I almost fall back asleep several times while trying to eat it.
“Dante, I think you really need to splash water on your face. Your face is about to land in the cereal bowl because you’re falling asleep” Angie says with a small laugh
I get up and slowly walk to the kitchen, and splash some water on my face. Then I just stand against the wall and close my eyes, and try to get a grasp of reality. I have to remember where I am. My dreams are not real. I whisper that to myself a few times before opening my eyes again, and my vision is clearer. I walk back to the table and finish my now soggy cereal.
I brush my teeth and brush my hair, slowly feeling less and less tired. I change clothes and then put on my backpack. I say goodbye to Angie and my parents and walk to school.
I feel unhappy through history and ELA, barely listening at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t even know where I wanna be. That dream messed me up so bad. But then, close to the end of ELA, I realize something. This year has been going by so fast, and we’re not too far from it ending.
I’m relieved to see that Celeste’s ok at nutrition after the dream I had. I almost want to hug her, but I know she doesn’t like hugs so I don’t.
“So, how do you guys feel about the school year being over kind of soon?”
“I am so glad,” Sugar says
“Yeah me too, it’ll be nice to not have to be around people all the time anymore.” Skyler responds
“It’s fine, I’m ok with it. I’m gonna do summer school though” Celeste says
I know she wants to do that to escape her home. But I try not to dwell on it. Ms. Audrey has helped me realize that I shouldn’t dwell on devastating facts I already know just because they’re mentioned again. It is devastating that Celeste can’t stand to spend a whole summer at home because of Maggie, and prefers to be at school instead for that reason. But I already knew that, and I wasn’t dwelling on it a minute ago, so I shouldn’t dwell now just because it was brought up.
I suddenly get a really positive feeling when I think about the positive changes we’ve had. Kat is in our life now, she’s Celeste’s step cousin, and she lightens Celeste’s homelife a lot and is generally a great person to be around. Sugar is in our life, she’s a strong multitalented person who gives Skyler more confidence. There are things that haven’t changed a lot in the year. But if there were able to be such huge changes for the better, there could maybe be even better changes we’ll have next year. It’s rare that I get a positive feeling like this.
But then, I remember that things could also get worse. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if things get worse than they’ve ever been before? I don’t understand why I can’t ever just stay in positive moments, keep having happy feelings. I don’t know why I’m like this.
I feel slightly better when I remember that it’s Tuesday, the day of the week I have therapy.
When nutrition is over I walk into Ms. Audrey’s office.
“Hey Dante, take a seat. How’s your week been?”
“It’s been a little better, I’ve used the tips you taught me”
“That’s great. Have you had any more nightmares?”
“I had another one this morning, and I actually sleepwalked too for the first time in a while. It was where Celeste was really sick, deathly ill. Some sort of monster was the thing that made her sick. When I saw the monster I picked up a knife that was on the ground in my dream. When I picked up the knife in the dream, I also picked up a knife in real life. I sleepwalked into the kitchen and picked up a knife that was on the counter. I woke up because my sister freaked out when she saw me holding the knife”
“How do you feel about the fact that you picked up a knife in your sleep?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m a little nervous about what I’m capable of doing when I’m sleeping, but that isn’t really what my main concern is. I don’t know if it’ll happen again, and I don’t think I would actually cause any harm in my sleep. But it was definitely weird”
“What is your main concern with the whole thing?”
“Just the nightmare, how it made me feel. I was so scared, and so discombobulated when I woke up. I think I do have a fear of Celeste becoming deathly ill, but I don’t know why a monster was the cause of it,” I don’t tell her that the monster was the same one Skyler and Sugar have encountered in real life, because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about that and I don’t wanna take the time to explain it especially since she (understandably) won’t think it’s real
“It makes sense that you would have a fear of this, considering how much you worry about her in general. But Dante, this is the one thing you worry about with her that has no real reason behind it, no evidence. She’s young, and although her mental health is far from being the best it could be, her physical health seems to be good as of right now. You should worry about someone you care about so much who also happens to go through a lot of pain, that is natural and human. But you should try to only worry about the things that are actually happening, and things there is actual evidence for, just to make sure you don’t waste your energy”
“I can try, but I don’t know if I am capable right now. There doesn’t have to be evidence or even reasoning for me to be anxious about something”
“A lot of people tend to be like that at your age, especially when they already are dealing with clinical levels of anxiety. You don’t have to immediately be better about this now, you can take your time.”
We keep talking about taking baby steps toward a healthier mindset and being less anxious. At the end of the session, Ms. Audrey has one more thing to tell me.
“There’s something that I think will make you feel a lot happier today. I won’t spoil what it is, just look at the flyers on the walls in the hallway”
I’m a little confused but tell her I’ll look.
As I walk in the hallway and to my next class, I just see flyers that don’t seem that interesting to me. For joining the sports club, the Disney club, the history club, etc. I’m wondering which one she could’ve possibly been talking about. Then one stands out to me.
They’re starting a music club for after school! At first I’m a little confused why they’re starting it so late. I read that it’s because the music teacher is hosting an annual music talent show, for solo performers and bands. This is the first year they’re doing it. I’m excited to tell my friends about it, I’m sure they’ll want to do it. I play the drums, Celeste is a guitarist, Kat’s a bass guitarist, Sugar’s a pianist/keyboardist, and Skyler is a singer-songwriter. We would make a perfect band. Ms. Audrey was right, this does make me feel better. I think even when i can’t get myself to be less anxious, I just need special things like this to distract me sometimes.
Broken Minds 