My whole life I’ve wished I could meet my mom. I’ve been wishing it even more recently. It’s weird to think that I could pass by a complete rando in the street, and I would actually know them about just as much as I know my mother. Most other kids have moms. It isn’t normal to not have one. Deadbeat dads are a lot more acknowledged. But here I am, with a deadbeat mom instead. And my dad is just oblivious to how his wife mistreats me, and I won’t ever tell him about it because he won’t believe me. I have days where I miss my mom more than others, and this happens to be one of the days where I really do, because I found the picture of my mom and dad when she was wearing that beautiful dress and necklace. I always picture her wearing that dress, because it’s the only thing I’ve seen her wear in pictures.
At school…
Skyler and I are just in the hallway on the way to class starting to have a conversation when we get pushed really aggressively. It feels just like when Maggie pushes me, so I scream and tear up.
“That was just a push, calm down! You’re so fucking dramatic!” Jake’s voice says with a laugh, and he then proceeds to mock my scream.
“Don’t ever do that again, you douchebag!” I shout. this is the first time I’ve ever stood up to him, Kat would be proud. A teacher walks by
“Hey, hey, leave each other alone! Go to class!”
That was Jake’s fault. If only she had seen the whole interaction. I bet my mom would be on my side.
I get through my classes, wishing I was with my mom. I wonder what she’s like. What kind of person is she? Does she look like me? My dad hates her and resents her and hasn’t told me much about her, he’s scratched her face out on every photo. I start writing a poem while I’m in 5th period.
I want to know you
Are you gentle?
Would you love me?
What’s your voice like?
I wish I could have a real mother figure
Instead of Maggie
When I prayed to God and asked for a mother figure,
This isn’t what I meant
My mom, my mom
Will you ever come back?
Will you ever be with me?
I would have so much to tell you
I slowly drift to sleep with my head on my desk.
I wake up on the couch in the living room, next to Kat.
“Hey honey,” My mom says, “do you want pancakes for breakfast?”
“Yes please, mom”
“Ok honey”
She’s wearing the beautiful dress she always wears, and she’s wearing no makeup but has an angelic face. She glows, and she has my voice but prettier. She has a demeanor like mine but with a bit more confidence. She makes pancakes for me and my sister Kat. Then afterwards we walk with her to the playground.
“How was school yesterday?” She asks
“It was fine, but Ms. Maggie gave me some trouble” I say
“She’s been giving you trouble a lot, am I gonna have to talk to the principal about it?” My mom says
“No, you don’t have to” I say
“I will if I have to, I want what’s best for you” My mom says
Once we get to the playground, as Kat and I are walking past the swings, someone accidentally kicks me. My head starts bleeding and I start crying. My mom rushes over to me.
“Honey, are you ok?” She says, rubbing my head and hugging me
I get woken up, and almost accidentally call my teacher mom. I wish that dream was real. Kat was my sister in the dream, and Maggie was my teacher who gave me problems, and my mom was ready to protect me in the way I need. One thing I am thankful for from Maggie being here is that I have Kat. I wouldn’t know her without her becoming my step cousin.
At home…
I walk in and drop my backpack next to the door and start going to my room. I talk with Kat in my room for a little bit, and then go out to the living room and see Maggie rummaging through my backpack.
“What are you doing?” I ask
“What’s this?” She says, pulling out my poem
“Oh my God, do not read that!” I say, running up to her and trying to snatch it away. She shoves me away and skims over it with hatred in her eyes. then she crumples it up and throws it away.
“You mom didn’t love you! She won’t ever come back, no mother would come back to a child like you. You’re entitled to think you deserve a better mother figure than me, I’m insulted. You’re just a freak, and an autistic retard. I don’t know why Jason wanted your mom to keep you.”
I run away to my room. I scream and curse into my pillow. I lay here listening to my muffled screams for a few minutes. There’s no way to make the pain go away. I want to feel nothing. I hear Kat come in the room. I stop screaming and sit up, and signal to her that it’s ok to talk to me right now.
“What just happened?” Kat says
“I wish my mom was here,” I say, “I’ve been dreaming of her. I know there had to have been a part of her that loved me. I wish she had stayed. Maggie says she didn’t love me at all.”
I expect Kat to comfort me, to make a joke to make me feel better. But she just starts crying.
“Don’t cry over me,” I say, “I’m just a freak. I’m apparently not important enough to my mom, and I shouldn’t be to anyone.”
Kat hugs me, still sobbing. Then Dad comes home. He hasn’t been home these past two nights. I decide not to come out and say hey to him. Kat and I sit in silence next to each other. Even when Dad says dinner is ready, I tell Kat I don’t wanna eat dinner and tell her to go without me. I take the picture of my mom and dad, and I lay in my bed, holding the picture and looking at it. I put the picture on my chest, hoping to dream of her, and maybe not wake up this time.
I turn around and see my mom. I go up to her and hug her with tears in my eyes.
“You won’t wake up this time,” She says to me softly
Broken Minds 