I’ve always had a problem with how I’m perceived. I was born male, but never really felt like a boy. Ever since I developed a concept of gender, something about being a boy didn’t seem right for me. I was expected to be a boy because of how I was born. One day in 3rd grade when I was 10, the PE teacher told all the boys to go to one side of the room and all the girls to the other. To everyone else, this was simple. Everyone made a beeline to the side of the room they were supposed to be on. Meanwhile, I stood there staring at the wall.
The teacher said “Aaron, go to the boys’ side of the room! Why are you just standing there? You’re a boy!”
I wanted to punch her in the face when she said that. How dare she call me a boy? Being called a “he” or a “boy” or by the name “Aaron” was like nails on a chalkboard. When I was around 12 I learned that it was possible to be trans. But I only learned about trans boys and trans girls, and I knew I wasn’t a girl either. The definition of girl didn’t fit me any more than the definition of boy did. I honestly just felt like I didn’t belong in this world. But, a few months ago, I found out on the internet that it’s possible to be non-binary. It’s an umbrella term of a bunch of identities that don’t align with being a boy or a girl. I don’t identify with anything specific under the umbrella, I’m just non-binary. I came out one week after I found out about this identity. I changed my name to Skyler, and I finally feel like I belong here and I really know what I am. I still have other insecurities though. I’ve gotten rid of my biggest problem, but there’s multiple other smaller ones. I have social anxiety, I feel like I’m weird, I have two different colored eyes. In middle school I grew my hair out a little bit and got bangs that cover my brown eye to cover up my heterochromia. Dante did the same thing with his hair to help me not stand out as much. Dante and Celeste have always been the people who understand me most. Dante’s gotten me to practice starting conversations with people. Even though I still have insecurities, at least I’m not where I was back then anymore.
Today’s the third day of school. Celeste and I got made fun of yesterday. It was by this kid named Jake. Dante had told us about what a douchebag he was. He made fun of a kid’s speech impediment on the first day of school. he also threw snap n’ pops at innocent people in the hallway on the second day. Dante heroically chimed in when the snap n’ pops incident happened. Celeste and I envy how brave he is. He’s like a protective older brother to us. At lunch Dante told us about what Jake did. Later in the day Celeste and I were talking shit about him in the hallway, not knowing he was nearby. He then approached us and said, “Are you talking about me??” and then he said “it’s not my fault you’re so sensitive!”. He then turned to me, and asked me if I’m the one who lives right across the street from him (he recently moved into my neighborhood). I awkwardly said “I think so…” And he said “You look even uglier up close!”. That was when Dante showed up, and said to Jake “Who the fuck do you think you are talking to them like that?!”. He didn’t even have to say anything else. Jake left. Even though they’re the same height, Dante’s demeanor made him look like he was about five feet taller than Jake. I’m pretty sure Jake will leave us alone.
During ELA, Celeste and I secretly have our phones out and we’re talking about how we’re gonna skip PE. We decide that the easiest way would be to ask to use the bathroom and just never return. We could fake being sick, but that somehow feels too mischievous.
At PE…
We finish the stretches which is the part of PE we’re ok with. Celeste raises her hand and asks if she can use the bathroom, and then I do too.
”Yeah, but you guys can only go one at a time and an adult has to go with you“ Coach Laura says.
Uh oh. Our whole plan is ruined. We glance at each other in disappointment. Jake and his friend laugh to each other. Seemingly at us. I get a sinking feeling.
Right before lunch…
Celeste and I laugh together in the hallway before heading to the lunch area. Uh oh, I can feel Jake approaching us.
”Ew, why the hell do you laugh like that, weirdo?” Jake says
”Why won’t you leave us alone after what happened yesterday?” I respond
”Are you just gonna rely on him to always save you??” He says, “And were you two trying to skip PE together?”
”Um,” I say
”You didn’t wanna embarrass yourself again because you’re so bad at sports. You’re such a bitchboy”
I’m irked by him calling me a boy. But I don’t say anything. Jake’s friend, Mason approaches.
”Oh, you’re talking to the guy and the girl who tried to skip PE?”
”I’m not a guy.” I say, finding it in me to have a bit more of a tone.
”Oh shit, sorry, are you a girl?” Jake says
”I’m non-binary, my pronouns are they/them”
He doesn’t really seem to know what that means. But he acts like he does, “Oh, ok, my bad. You’re still a retard though” Him and Mason then walk away, leaving me and Celeste standing here in shock.
“So he’s not transphobic?” Celeste says
“I guess not, that’s pretty surprising” I say
In art class…
I sit at the spot I’ve been sitting at these past two days for art class. There’s a girl sitting next to my seat who wasn’t there before. She has long black hair and cute bangs and brown eyes. I remember how Dante wanted me to practice starting conversations with new people. I take a deep breath.
“Hi, what’s your name?” I say as I sit down
“You can call me Sugar, what’s your name?” She says with an accent
“I’m Skyler” I respond
“Cool, are you new to this school?”
“Yeah”
“That’s nice, I haven’t been here these past two days because I was sick”
“Oh, I’m sorry”
“It’s ok”
I surprisingly don’t feel nervous, she’s pretty easy to talk to. Ms. Katerina, the art teacher, hands all of us fresh clay.
“We’ll be making small pots,” she says
As we start handling the clay, we continue talking.
“What’s your favorite type of art?” She asks
“I like drawings and sketches,” I say
“Yeah me too, and I like coloring” she responds
We work on our art in silence until Sugar messes something up, and she exclaims a word I don’t understand. Ms. Katerina smiles and shakes her head.
“No no Sugar, I understood that” She says
“Sorry, Katerina” Sugar responds with a smile
“What language was that?” I ask
“It was Russian, I’m from Russia” Sugar says
Oh, so that explains the accent. “Who’s your favorite music artist?” I ask
“I like IC3PEAK, who’s your favorite?” She responds
“I like IC3PEAK too!” I think of asking her if she likes underscores, but she might not know who I’m talking about
“What’s your favorite song by them?”
“I really like Death No More”
“Yeah, I like that one too”
We don’t talk much for the rest of the period. But I think she seems really cool and like I might be friends with her. When the period ends and we all line up in front of the door, I see someone right outside the doorway. They look like they’re waiting for someone. As we leave the room, I realize it’s Jake. Sugar walks up to him and they hug. They’re obviously dating. How could she wanna date a shithead like Jake? She must not be as cool as I thought she was. She can’t be if she would date someone like him.
I’m outside waiting to get picked up. Jake walks by me and stomps on my foot. I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not. But when I say ow, he just looks back at me and smiles. He then waves at me mockingly as he gets in the car.
After school…
I’m at Celeste and Kat’s house in their room. I complain to Kat about how Jake’s been bothering us.
“Well, have you guys stood up for yourselves?” Kat says
“Uhhh, well, no…” I respond
“You can’t just stand there and be a pushover and let him be a dick to you, you need to say something back and let him know he’s not any stronger than you. And Celeste, that goes for you too!”
“Uhhh, what?” Celeste says, laying in her bed as she turns her head to us
“Did you hear anything I just said?”
“Uh, no”
I facepalm.
“Guys, I’m being serious! You can’t just let yourself be vulnerable! When I was growing up I had to constantly watch my sister and my cousins being abused and never doing a damn thing about it!” She starts to tear up, “I can’t stand watching people get pushed around and hurt and just not doing a damn thing about it! It’s so upsetting! So please, just say or do something!”
The room suddenly is full of silence. There’s a thick emotional tension. “We’ll try,” I say softly
“Y’know, it’s really easier said than done,” Celeste says
“I never said it would be easy,” Kat responds.
I stand in silence for a few minutes, thinking about what Kat just said to us.
Broken Minds 