(CW for mentions of murder, abuse, bullying and torture)
I’ve been having a problem these past few months. Even though my own life is perfectly fine, I can’t stop thinking about how other people in the world are suffering and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t have a moment of pure happiness, because then I start thinking “Someone out there is getting murdered right now”, “Someone out there is getting abused right now”, “Someone out there is being brutally tortured right now”. And it isn’t only humans who are suffering, animals are dying two. The fish in the sea are dying. My sister Angie has told me that there’s nothing I can do about it, so there’s no need to dwell on it. But that’s what the problem is, I can’t do anything about it. Horrible things are constantly happening and it will never change. It’s started to make me feel really unmotivated and depressed, and not to mention it’s given me really bad anxiety. My best friend Celeste (who is pretty much like another sister to me) is someone I worry about a lot, because she’s being abused by her dad’s wife. I wish she didn’t have to go through that, it makes me really upset. It started when she was 10 years old, now we’re 14. Hopefully it won’t last forever. I met her and our other best friend Skyler in kindergarten. Skyler is very insecure, which has been made worse by the fact that they’ve gotten bullied. I haven’t been able to do much about the bullying because I’ve been homeschooled up to this point, but this year if they get bullied I will not let it happen.
We just had our first day of school yesterday. It’s a little overwhelming for me to be in school in person because I haven’t been since kindergarten, I’ve been homeschooled. But what makes it better is that it isn’t a regular high school, it’s a special needs private school. Skyler, Celeste and I are all autistic, and Skyler also has ADHD, so this is the best school for us. Now it’s about to be the second day of school, I’m currently walking there. It’s a school that my mom, dad and I have driven by before, because it’s pretty close to us. Skyler and Celeste are further from it. I’m listening to music while I walk. I think about all the depressing things that must be happening to other people in the world right now, of course, because that’s pretty much my daily routine. I’m always either thinking about that, or worrying about my loved ones. Usually both. I almost don’t know how to think about anything else. I see the school getting closer to me as I’m walking. I just keep walking and listening to music. Eventually I walk into the school, and then into my homeroom, and I stop listening to music and sit at my desk.
The teacher starts talking about a short story assignment while I overhear two people talking behind me.
“Did you hear about that thing that happened on the news last night?”
“Yeah, that was terrible”
Oh God. My parents banned me from watching the news because it makes me depressed. I can’t stop anyone from talking about what they want to talk about. I just am forced to listen.
“Oh, you mean that man who murdered his wife?” Another person chimes in.
I slowly lower my head until it’s on my desk. They keep talking until the teacher gets them to pay attention. I never thought I would be so relieved by a teacher telling kids to be quiet.
At Nutrition…
I’m still having intrusive thoughts about what those kids were talking about. I still try to cheer up because now it’s one of the only times of the school day I get to talk to Skyler and Celeste. We’re standing in front of a tree and texting with Kat while we talk verbally with each other. Kat recently became Celeste’s step cousin. We haven’t really had other people hang out with us before. It’s usually been our trio alone. But I don’t mind letting Kat join, she seems friendly enough, and she’s basically a part of Celeste’s family now, the only part of Celeste’s family who’s actually around our age. Even when I’m happy talking with my friends, the dull unhappiness never leaves my mind.
I send a text that reads, “I overheard some kids in my class talking about how some sick fucked up man murdered his own wife”
“Oh really? Dear God that’s horrible”, Kat responds
“I know, how do you not dwell on things like this?”—I know Kat is really profound, that’s why I’m asking her this.
“Well, I know it sucks but sometimes there’s reallly nothing you can do about things like that. It’s very sad but it’s best not to think too much about things you can’t fix” She responds.
I know what her and my family are saying is true. I know it is, but it’s so hard to accept it. I feel almost guilty being completely happy, because I know so many other people aren’t happy. Skyler and Celeste know I’m struggling, so they each give me a side hug on either side of me.
After nutrition ends, while I’m in the hallway on the way to 2nd period, I hear loud noises nearby. I hear a loud popping sound, and then what sounds like a yelp of pain. I turn the corner and see that stupid Jake kid with a box of snap n’ pops on the floor next to his foot, and there’s two people walking in front of him. He laughs, and clearly he just threw one of the snap n’ pops at one of the people. He then throws another one at one of them, they react in pain, and he laughs. My blood is boiling as I walk up to him
“Hey, stop doing that, you asshole!” I shout
“What are you gonna do if I don’t?” he responds with an ugly smile
“I’ll knock your teeth out, you little shit!” I say as I step closer to him in an intimidating way. I won’t actually knock his teeth out, I don’t have it in me to physically hurt someone. I’m just trying to scare him, and it’s working.
“Are you being serious?” He says still smiling, clearly trying to still act like he’s not afraid
“Do you want to find out if I’m being serious?!” I respond
He walks away with his tail between his legs, leaving the box of snap n’ pops behind.
“Thank you” The two people he was attacking say
“No problem” I say with a smile, my intimidating facade breaking.
At Lunch…
I sit with Skyler and Celeste. I tell them about what happened with Jake, and they obviously seem to hate him for it. We also talk about what we should do later today.
“Maybe we should hang out at the mall near my house! It’s been a while since we hung out there” Skyler says
“Yeah! I’ll ask my dad, I’m sure he won’t mind” Celeste says
“I’ll ask my parents” I say
I can tell that Celeste is happy about doing something after school. It’s sad, because I know it’s partially that she’s happy to hang out with her friends. But I also know for a fact that she wants to postpone going home.
Right before study hall…
I’m in the hallway on my way to my homeroom class when I hear a familiar voice. A voice I hate.
“Hey, are you talking about me?”
“Uhhhh….” I hear Celeste’s voice respond
“It’s not my fault you’re so sensitive! Hey, are you the kid who lives across the street from me?”
“Uh, yeah, I think so” I hear Skyler’s voice say
“You look even uglier up close!”
I walk up to them.
“HEY!” Jake already looks terrified at the sound of my voice, “Who the fuck do you think you are talking to them like that?!”
He runs away like the pathetic loser he is, probably because he’s already scared of me from earlier.
After school…
We have a lot of fun at the mall. We get pretzels from Wetzel’s Pretzels, we go to one of the stores and get new sweatshirts, and we laugh and fool around like we always do. I feel happy being with them, and this is making me feel like a little kid again. But even when I’m happy, the depression and the intrusive thoughts never go away. How dare I be so happy when horrible things are happening to other people right at this moment?
After we leave the mall, I lay in my bed with my head hanging off the edge. Especially since I’m not with my friends anymore, the sadness is really kicking in. My sister Angie walks in.
“Hey Dante, how are you doing buddy?” She says
“I wanna go home…” I respond
“But, Dante, you’re laying in your own bed…”
“Oh.”
“Is there anything you wanna talk about?”
“No, I don’t think so”
“Alright” She says with a concerned voice as she slowly leaves my room.
Broken Minds 